Last Time
by miakaweasley
Summary: After Jack gives in to his feelings for Irina and instantly regrets it, he muses over what she was to him and what she means to him now. Please R/R!


A/N: This is my first fic in a really long time and my first Alias fic. Read it with a grain of salt. Please read and review  
  
Last Time  
  
Jack stared intently at the glass of scotch he had just poured himself, trying to force the past week from his mind, years of carefully practiced repression techniques failing him now when he needed them most.   
  
He sighed heavily, he was exhausted and wanted nothing more than to turn off his brain settle into a deep sleep but he knew that there was not chance of his overactive mind allowing him to sleep any time in the near future. He settled himself into a chair and for the first time that week allowed his mind to wander, unfortunately it took him immediately to the one place he never wanted to be again.   
  
He found himself back in Uzbekistan where he had been a week prior. He and Sydney had been sent to avert yet another of Sloane's attempts to recover a Rambaldi device. Irina, having proved her worth in India, had been allowed to accompany them on the mission in order to provide additional intel. The mission had gone with out a hitch largely due to Irina's information.   
  
Then the trouble started. They were unable to return immediately to CIA headquarters and where forced to lay over for the night in a dive of a hotel located on the Turkish border. Sydney had wearily taken the key to her room, exhausted from the physical demands of the mission and the omnipresent tension between her parents. Jack, still unwilling to let his former wife out of his sight had insisted they stay together. At this thought he forcibly snapped himself back into the present, he was in no hurry to face what had happened next, he took a long sip of his drink and slowly allowed himself to sink back into his memory.   
  
He and Irina had settled in, Jack was tired and strained; he forced his mind to stay active. Bitterness, suspicion and injuries of long ago helped him keep his focus. To his surprise, Irina said nothing.   
  
She perched on the edge of the bed looking shockingly alive and fresh. He was terrified when his mind wandered back into the past and conjured images of Laura sitting in the same manner on what had been their bed.   
  
"Jack," he almost jumped at the sound of her voice, he forced his face to be stern and cold as he turned to face her, " I am constantly amazed by Sydney, she has no right to be as normal as she is."  
  
His mind sprung into action desperately seeking a reply to her observation, but all he could do was soften his expression.   
  
She took this as an invitation and turned to face him directly. He hated the way she looked at him, eyes sharp, providing no insight into what was going on behind them and perhaps he imagined it but their always seemed to be a hint of condescending in their brown depths.   
  
She continued, "How are things between you two?"   
  
Jack took a seat on the edge of the bed, avoiding her gaze and giving himself a second to think.  
  
" In recent years things have improved, since I was able to tell her what I really do" he paused "now that I don't have to lie to her" he allowed these words to hang in the air, watching Irina closely to see how she would respond.   
  
To his surprise, her face softened and her eyes where filled with a sadness he had never seen or expected to see. The silence was long and weighted. Finally, she spoke in a voice so low it was barely audible.  
  
"Jack . . . I'm sorry."   
  
Jack was almost floored by this statement, he knew he had struck a nerve but he had never expected an apology. He used every ounce of concentration to keep his face expressionless as he tried to read her eyes. She turned her back to him, every muscle tense, then she continued unsolicited.   
  
"I know what I've done . . . What I did to you (he flinched involuntarily at these words) is unforgivable." She trailed off.   
  
Jack desperately wanted to yell wanted to tell you how right she was, but something stopped him.   
  
She began again her voice full of the sadness he had seen earlier, "Our marriage was a lie" she paused again, thank you for stating the obvious he thought hating where this conversation was going. "I did love you then, more than I should have and once Sydney was born. . ."   
  
"Stop." he said so vehemently that she obeyed, there was a passion in his eyes she could not read "Leave the past alone, no amount of explanation is going to repair the damage, I can't forgive you and I will not feel sorry for you."   
  
His hand was gripping her arm firmly and he had pulled her around to face him, his face full of intensity and confusion.   
  
"I can't do this, I can't relive it." He was pleading with her now.   
  
A single tear trickled down her cheek and with her free hand she touched his face. He reached up to pull her hand away and before he could, she had kissed him, a deep passionate kiss full of memory and longing. To her surprise he did not pull away, instead he pulled her to him. In a way it felt like he was home at last, as if this kiss was the key to regaining his soul, a way of returning to the man he had once been.   
  
Suddenly his mind started working again. He pushed her away and cursed himself. In one swift move he was off the bed and out the door.   
  
Once outside, he paced cursing his stupidity, the power she still had over him and his inability to hide his weakness. He stopped pacing and leaned against a railing as the pain and loneliness he had never allowed himself to confront washed over him, threatening to break down all his defenses. He could see dawn begin to peak over the horizon. He knew that he absolutely must regain his composure; slowly he forced all of his emotions back into their places, well hidden behind his façade. The potential ramifications of what had just happened flooded into his mind. He had given her leverage, control; two things he desperately wanted to keep from her.  
  
He took a deep breath forcing these thoughts from his mind. Straightening up and solidifying a cold hard expression on his face, he prepared himself to re-enter the room. His mind grappled for some kind of strategy in case she confronted him again. He would have simply sat out here all night had he not feared having to explain the situation to Sydney. With one last deep breath, Jack reached out and grasped the doorknob, slowly stepping back into the room. To his surprise the room was dark and Irina was laying down with her back to him, presumably asleep. He had no intention of sleeping tonight; instead he slid into a chair, as far from her as possible and simply sat staring at the wall.   
  
The next morning the three of them had returned to the US. Sydney had noticed his tired eyes, but hadn't said anything. Irina had been exceptionally quiet; she hadn't once tried to bait him into a conversation. He was grateful that she had not said anything about the previous night, but he also knew that she could easily use it against him later. There was knowledge and a slight air of triumph in her eyes, which he hated, but he also noticed that the sadness was still there.   
  
Jack shook his head, returning to his scotch and his empty house; he wished that sleep would come. That it would free him from the worry and the sadness that were threatening to overwhelm. Unbidden thousands of memories flooded his mind. His wedding. . . the day Sydney was born. . . the three of them around the kitchen table… the day Laura had died… the day he had found out it was all a lie. He tried to force these thoughts from his mind but they simply would not go. His mind was a whirlpool of emotions; happiness, sadness, bitterness, love, emptiness, betrayal, and loneliness.  
  
Something inside him snapped and a rogue tear slid out of the corner of his eye. He knew that he had no hope of forcing himself not to feel the pain any longer. A sob escaped his lips. It was not simply a cry of sadness, he was mourning for the life that could have been. The life that had been stolen from him, the memories that taunted him every time looked at Irina.  
  
~the end  
  
A/N- Please read and review! 


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